'You'll know Coldplay are in town because you'll see Chris Martin sit beside you and stare at you'
'We've given Chris and his pals Croke Park - you would have thought that would be enough, but he's popping up everywhere'
If you play the banjo you probably deserve what you get.
But while banjo players might lack empathy for their fellow man, or woman, and sometimes play in public, I've a tad more humanity in my soul.
So I believe that nobody, NOBODY, should have to have Chris Martin sit beside them when they're going about their business on a Wednesday, including banjo players.
You'll know Coldplay are in town because you'll see Chris Martin sit down beside you and stare at you.
That's what happened to a banjo player in Dun Laoghaire this week when Chris went for a stroll on the pier, allegedly handing out free tickets.
That's a captive audience if ever there was one - you either take the ticket from the jumper-sleeve-chewing hippy, or you take your chances in the sea.
And what's to say Chris will draw the line at banjo players? Clear indications are he won't. I now issue a formal Red Grafton Street Impromptu Gig Alert - avoid unnecessary journeys.
I can't relax right now. And neither should you. You might be sitting in the waiting room at the dentist, leafing through a six month old copy of Woman's Way.
The door opens and in walks Chris. He sits down beside you and stares at you, in that kind of blank sort of way. He might try to make conversation about teeth. You don't need that.
Your car is perfectly alright. But you're at the NCT centre again because you have to be. You're looking at people looking at your car.
They print out a form saying you failed because the EU logo on the registration plate was faded. You hear the printer whirring. Chris walks up and stands beside you and looks at you.
Maybe he says something about how the NCT is called the MOT where he's from. Your car is still perfectly alright. You don't need that either.
You're standing at a machine outside a shop, with a bag full of empty cans. Some go into the Re-turn machine. Some don't. You get stale IPA on your hands.
Chris Martin walks up to the machine and stares at you. He might say something like "I think the Re-turn scheme is great, we wrote some songs about it". None of us need this.
We've given Chris and his pals Croke Park - you would have thought that would be enough. Great idea in theory - like how we box tourists off to Temple Bar and get on with our lives.
But Chris keeps popping up elsewhere. He's as omnipresent as his songs.
A woman might be getting her hair done with one of those massive things they get over their head and see him, with the massive head thing too, on the seat beside them - staring.
I was going to go to the Galway United match this weekend but I'll stay at home and watch it on LOITV - and even there I'm not sure he won't appear beside me, looking at me.
Be warned: Evidence shows arming yourself with a banjo won't work. It might even just encourage him.
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