Comedian Mark Simmons tells best Fringe joke a decade after his first appearance

Being a stand-up comedian is never plain sailing... but one joke from this year’s Edinburgh Fringe clearly floated people’s boat.

Comedian Mark Simmons won the 15th award for Funniest Joke of the Fringe with: “I was going to sail around the globe in the world ’s smallest ship, but I bottled it.” A panel of comedy critics and comedians chose their favourite gags to put to a public poll – and Mark earned 40% of the vote.

The 29-year-old, from Canterbury, Kent, first performed at the Fringe a decade ago and has placed 9th, 6th and 2nd in the joke award previously. He said: “I’m really chuffed. I needed some good news as I was just fired from my job marking exam papers.

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"Can’t understand it, I always gave 110 per cent.” Mark’s show, More Jokes, at Liquid Rooms Annexe, runs until August 24. Cherie Hall, from award sponsor U&Dave, said: “This year’s list features a hilarious blend of jokes that are sure to keep us laughing until the next Joke of the Fringe.”

U&Dave’s Top 15 gags from 2024

1 I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship, but I bottled it – Mark Simmons

2 I’ve been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don’t feel like I’m progressing. It’s just one step forward... two steps back – Alec Snook

3 Ate horse at a restaurant once – wasn’t great. Starter was all right but the mane was dreadful – Alex Kitson

4 I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it – Arthur Smith

5 My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton: well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it – Mark Simmons

6 My dad used to say “Pints, gallons, litres”, which, I think, speaks volumes – Olaf Falafel

7 British etiquette is confusing. Why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow when I get them out in Spoons? – Chelsea Birkby

8 I wanted to know which came first, the chicken or the egg. So I bought a chicken and then I bought an egg, and I think I’ve cracked it – Masai Graham

9 My partner told me she’d never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had – Zoe Coombs Marr

10 The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati – Olaf Falafel

11 I’m an emotionally needy non-binary person. My pronouns are “there there” – Sarah Keyworth

12 I’ve got a girlfriend who never stops whining. I wish I’d never bought her that vineyard – Roger Swift

13 Gay people are very bad at maths. We don’t naturally multiply – Lou Wall

14Keir Starmer looks like an AI image of a substitute teacher – Sophie Duker

15 Growing up rich is hereditary. It affects one per cent of people – Olga Koch

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